stage 4

Hey!

"4) Terror - What have I gotten myself into!!! I am moving to Africa in one week. How am I going to survive by myself. I hate bugs, what about the bugs! I just know I'm going to get malaria. Why didn't I listen to my parents!? And how exactly does one poop in a hole? Did I pack enough? Did I pack too much? Am I going to get robbed? How am I going to cook for myself? clean for myself? You silly silly person. You just had to be a hero didn't you; you just HAD to go off and save the world and now look at the mess you got yourself into. You are going to come back in two years and no one will recognize you. Mommy, please come hold me. This is stage 4."

It's official. I'm in stage 4 (to see what I'm referring to check out my theory on a "PCVs Emotional Progression: Invitation to Departure"). I have started to freak out, and not in a good way...

This afternoon I FINALLY finished packing up my apartment. It's wierd to think I'm moved out since most of my things are staying in the apartment for my brother (I didn't have to pack up my kitchen or move any large furniture as it's ALL staying! so yay to that!) But just as I predicted, as I drove home to Alpharetta, living in no-man's land, I felt a huge pit drop in my stomach. It was like that feeling you get before you ride a rollercoaster, or actually the part that occurs when you just get into the line of the coaster and still have some time before you get to the actual coaster. That's where I am. Nervous anticipation. I almost had to pullover two or three times because my thoughts regarding my upcoming journey were making me a little nauseaous (luckily I didn't puke though).

I have recently become full of doubt about my ability to go through with this journey. Don't worry, I will be on that plane to Africa and I have every intention of completing my 27 months of service. But that doesn't make it any easier for me to get rid of those nagging thoughts in my head, the one's that ask "what if...". What if I get sick, like really sick? what if I can't stand the food? what if I miss the comforts of the US too much? what if I don't feel like I'm making any positive change? what if my French doesn't come to me as fast as I need it to? what if...and how am I going to deal with this situation?

But I'm a survivor. I have perseverance, I am dedicated, and I know this is the right path for me. Doubts are on the surface of my mind right now, but luckily doubts go away after a while; however, I know that if I don't do this, I'll have regrets for the rest of my life. And I can't live with regrets. I know the Peace Corps and Togo are going to throw a lot at me but I'll make it out alive. That's which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, or so they say. Here's hoping that's true...

Anyways, these next few days are going to be crazy. And it's going to be hard to concentrate and get my shit done with that stupid pit in my stomach. Oh well. Even though I'm all packed up, I have to make a trip down to the apartment to bring my boxes back to A'retta since my car didn't have enough space today. Oh yea, and I have to actually pack for Togo! Kinda important. I've bought (almost) everything that I need, just a few odds & ends left to buy. Plus I have a ton of errands to run such as closing my bank account, filling out my power of attorney and reading through all the documets PC has sent me regarding orientation and training. So much to do, so little time...

Speaking of orientation, when I FINALLY recieved my staging packet a few weeks ago I discovered that my orientation starts in Philadelphia on the 4th (as opposed to the 3rd which was the original date). But I'm still flying in on the 3rd from Atlanta on Delta, departing around 5PM and arriving around 8PM in Philly. I'll be staying in the Holiday Inn - Historic District so hopefully that will allow me to check out some of the sites since I've never been to Philadelphia before and I'm excited as it was the last of the 13 colonies that I needed to visit. And as I mentioned in my previous post, I'm supposed to see Pavi and Sujatha Aunty (and perhaps Uncle & Arpan too) for brunch on the 4th before my orientation starts at 2PM. We'll see how that works out...

Anyways, it's 3AM ("and I must be lonely...") and I should prob go to bed seeing as how a) I only got like 5 hours of sleep last night since Jess & I chilled on her balcony drinking wine till 4AM, and b) I have a LONG day tomorrow of shopping and running errands. bonne nuit!

a bientot,

-Nikhil