musings of a 22 year old wannabe

So this is going to be more like two postings in one, forgive me for the length. God knows I never learned brevity.

Hey!

The time from invitation to departure is racked with a roller coaster of emotions. Although there is definitely room for individual variance in terms of how long it takes a person to progress from each stage to the next, I have outlined below what I believe to be the five stages of emotion Peace Corps volunteers face before leaving the US. It is important to note that I am still a good two and half months from leaving so I have not gone through all five stages (I'm currently on stage 3) therefore as the weeks progress and my departure date becomes more imminent, I might have to amend this theory slightly...

Nikhil's Theory of a PCV's Emotional Progression: Invitation to Departure*

1) Giddy Excitement - So you FINALLY know where you are going. No longer do you have to stalk the mailman. No longer do you have to answer "I don't know!" to people's questions about where you will be serving. You can run to the top of the nearest mountain and yell "I'm going to XYZ for the next 2 1/2 years with the Peace Corps! Woohoo!" only to find out not that many people really care. Although you have no idea what your program really entails, thanks to the vagueness of Peace Corps rhetoric, you are exciting nonetheless and frantically tell your parents, your best friend Jess and even the random grocery clerk at your neighborhood Publix. You have been waiting for god-knows-how-long for this day and now that it's here, you couldn't be happier. This is stage 1.

2) Denial/Avoidance - So you FINALLY know where you are going. And you don't really want to think about it. You haven't quite grasped the fact that you are really moving to Africa (or Asia or XYZ) because to do so would be a sensory overload. It's too much to think about so you deny and you avoid. You throw yourself into your work or your school or studying for the GRE and try not tothink about the fact that you will be spending the next 2 and 1/2 years being poorer than that hobo you just gave a dollar too. Shopping for the next 2.5 years? How about shopping for my date this Friday. Much more tolerable to process. Yeah, you are going into the Peace Corps but so what, that is a good ways away right? This is stage 2.

3) Acceptance - Wow it's finally happening. Yes, you are really doing this. You are joining the Peace Corps. It's been a life-long dream of yours and now you are finally doing what you set out to do. Damn it feels good right? Well, okay hopefully it'll feel good soon. Although you aren't the most organized person in the world, now is a good time to start because you don't want to forget anything. You have to start shopping and packing. You start making lists (and checking them twice). Credit card bills, selling the car, life insurance. Let's hope you don't forget anything (save the panic for stage 4). Time to plan that bon voyage party for that final hurrah before you set sail on the greatest adventure of your life. You are going to save the world and because of that you are awesome. This is stage 3.

4) Terror - What have I gotten myself into!!! I am moving to Africa in one week. How am I going to survive by myself. I hate bugs, what about the bugs! I just know I'm going to get malaria. Why didn't I listen to my parents!? And how exactly does one poop in a hole? Did I pack enough? Did I pack too much? Am I going to get robbed? How am I going to cook for myself? clean for myself? You silly silly person. You just had to be a hero didn't you; you just HAD to go off and save the world and now look at the mess you got yourself into. You are going to come back in two years and no one will recognize you. Mommy, please come hold me. This is stage 4.

5) Inevitability - Your plane leaves in 3 hours. You put yourself in this car and you've gained so much speed you might as well go through with it. Momentum is throwing you over the edge. Resign yourself to the fact that you made a commitment and you are going to follow through. You are ready. Wow, I feel incredibly calm right now. The world is in slow motion. Just do it, take one foot off the line and step into that zone of no return. You can do it, yes you can, if you can't do it, no one can! Hello Peace Corps, here I come...This is stage 5.

*These stages are specific to this particular timeframe. Although similar emotions might be felt before the invitation is recieved, they do not come with the same sense of clarity as one who knows where he/she is going

So I think the realization that I am moving to Africa has finally hit me. With about 80 days till my departure (eek!) I think it took me long enough to reach this next stage, stage 3, Acceptance. Well okay, technically I'm on the verge of acceptance as I'm stilly trying to deny as long as possibly until after my GRE exam in two weeks (double eek!) but yea, I'm finally accepting the fact that I will no longer be on this side of the pond come June. Mom and I have made a few lists of things to do. I still don't want to do any shopping just yet but at least I've got a good idea of what I'm going to buy. It's a wierd feeling and I'm not looking forward to the next stage. But I guess one should just take this one day at a time. This may be my last time to do something so if the opportunity presents itself, I try my best to sieze the day. I kinda like the emotions associated with stage 3. I hope I feel like this for a while. It's wierd amalgamation of a bunch of emotions: pensiveness, calmness, enthusiasm and reflection.

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Speaking of reflection, a strange sentiment presented itself this past weekend. Although I started to enjoy the show last semester, I have recently become obsessed with the TV show How I Met Your Mother. If you haven't seen an episode before, you need to go and watch one right now from http://www.cbs.com/. It is honestly one of the funniest shows I have ever seen in my entire life. Every episode leaves me exhausted from laughing so much. And each character, even Barney, is so sweet and endearing that I pretty much see parts of me in all of them, and parts of them in me.

It's a peculiar feeling to want to live in a TV show but there are times when I look at the lives of the characters in the show and say "That's what I want my life to be like". Unfortunately, immediately afterwards I realize that the way my life is right now, my life can never be anything like theirs. I'm joining the freakin' Peace Corps and I want to practice medicine in third world countries. That puts me in a completely perpendicular universe from Ted. I don't live with my best friend. I don't have a stable career. I don't have a Marshall & Lily in my life (or a Barney as a matter of fact). I don't have a bar. It's a little depressing to see your life moving in an opposite direction from what I assume to by my souls calling? Or perhaps I am just wishing for a life I can't have because we all want what we can't have? I know that I don't want my life to be entirely like the characters in the show but part of me does. I know that if that was my life, I'd shoot myself for never having travelled like I do right now or for not helping people like I hope to do.

Maybe what I am really craving is stability. A best friend means stabilty because they never let you down. A love like Marshall & Lily means stability because it's never going to end. A group of close friends and a bar means stability because its a place you can always go to and know that you are never alone. Stability, something I have never really known I guess since I'm always all over the place. Maybe there is still hope. Maybe I will find my bar and my close friends and a love like Marshall & Lily and it will happen in the future. Or maybe I won't and instead travel to all sorts of exotic countries and cure hundreds of people of preventable diseases and end up settling in South Africa, living a Paul Farmer-esque lifestyle. I guess that's what this whole "life" thing is anyway. One unexpected journey, one unpredictable adventure, one path to a life that will pan out the way it was meant to I guess, Barney or no Barney.