just say no

In case you haven’t noticed, I have a hard time saying no. Usually this is not a big problem and it’s just the way I am. Guilt goes a long way with me lol. I let things affect me and although I am learning to get better at saying the two-letter word “no” (or three letter word in French “non”), I am still a long way from recovery. Unfortunately these past few weeks, my “disease” has made a subtle return…Take my latest work assignment: the C.E.G. Kaniamboua Girl’s Club Pilot Project. It was one of the first projects that came to me when I arrived at post last August and it has been one of the only projects to have lasted till now. When all my other work opportunities did not seem promising, such as work at the hospital and work with Vie Saine, the girls club project was the only project that kept me excited and made me feel like I do have actual work to do here in Sotouboua. By setting high expectations and pressure on the project, I think in the process I became too attached to it. In my mind, if this project failed, I would have no other work to keep me here in Togo. Even though my work situation has considerably improved over the past 2 months, my lingering attachment to the girl’s club has made me make some terribly stupid decisions based on emotional logic. Although it has taken me about 6 weeks to realize why I have acted the way that I have (in addition to talking about the project with some other volunteers: shout outs to Golda and Rebecca), I feel that it is time for me to set some boundaries with my counterparts and to rectify some of those decisions I made regarding the funding of the project. It started off small (“I don’t mind paying for the supplies such as photocopies for the sessions”) and slowly got bigger (“the girls need to eat something during the break so I will give them a small per diem to buy some water and some snacks for the repos”) to the ridiculously huge and stupid (“it’s ridiculous that there is no Peace Corps purse to help fund small projects like this so I don’t mind donating 60 mille (about $100) for the start-up loans for the girls income generating activities”). Every step of the way, I tried to rationalize my decision-making process but if there is one thing the heart is not and that is rational. Thankfully, after some deep contemplation I’ve realized that I need a new approach to this project and the first step to recovery is admitting that I have an emotional attachment problem. So here goes. Hi, my name is Nikhil and I have a problem saying “no” to people…

What does this mean for the project? Well even though my preliminary meeting of the girl’s club is in less than 24 hours and my counterpart is unavailable, I am going to have to make some major last minute changes to the program. I know this is incredibly unfair but it’s either change the plan, or dish out close to 100 mille (about $200) over the month of February. Hmm, I’m thinking I’ll just change the plan and deal with the consequences. Worse comes to worse, I drop the girl’s club project and focus on my other projects that are looking hopeful…

P.S. This has been a crazy busy week, probably one of the busiest weeks I’ve had here in Togo. Apart from running around to finish some last minute chores for the girls club, I helped out with the polio campaign at the dispensaire, gave my first official causerie on breastfeeding at the hospital vaccination day, had tutoring lessons with Kpango, did some major house cleaning, went to Sokodé to hang out with Golda and pick up some supplies and attended my first meeting to observe the drama and health club at Intelligentsia (a local private middle/high school).